the secret life of vons

settling in santa monica for a few weeks before i find my own west hollywood pad, i thought i was safe. but that was before yesterday. i was in desperate need of a few essentials, so i made the trip to vons grocery store on lincoln boulevard. i stopped by the "eye care" isle for some contact solution and then grabbed a stick of axe effect deodorant (in defiance of the anti-pop culture side of my personality), becasue it was this week's 50% off deodorant deal. i can handle that.

after finding the short line and waiting 10 minutes longer than anyone els in queue, i stepped up to the register to check out.

"do you have a vons club card?" is all that i heard from the guy at the checkstand. unfortunately, i didn't. and i knew that little card was my only ticket to this week's 50% off deodorant deal. don't worry, this happens to me all the time. just ask nicely and the guy will swipe his own vons club card for me. and in case that doesn't work, there are always other patiently waiting customers who i can bum a card from. so i asked "do you have a card i could borrow?"

there was a pause, and i started getting scared that i would have to pay all $7 of axe effect. the checker guy began scanning the isle in front of him, looking to his right and slowly to his left. He said something, quietly, and it was good thing i was concentrating on his eye movement, or i would have missed it.

"let me ask you again" he said without making eye contact "do you have a vons club card?" and without looking, his hand moved under that check-writing platform and, palm down, slid a hidden vons club card in my direction. i looked at him, incredulously. but he din't waiver. still composed, he waited for my reply.

"um, yeah. i...do."

"slide your card then, sir."

i felt a little strange that this apparently invaluable piece of plastic was treated with such contraband connotations. but i was happy, at least, that i only paid for half the axe effect. the guy didn't say anything else, and i obviously didn't offer a thanks, afraid of even acknowledging that anything had even happened. silently, we finished the rest of the transaction.

slowly and discreetly, i slid the the plastic back towards the guy. there is no way i wanted to be the one caught handling the goods. it was a little to intimidating for me.

as soon as the card was placed in front of him, and without taking his eyes off the next customer in line, the checker said calmy "that's yours" and went on checking the next customer. i took the card and ran. i wasn't about to find out what would happen if the wrong person found a vons club card in my possession. i don't know what would have happened. but i assure you, it wouldn't have been good.