airport fun 2

early this morning at palm beach international airport, i stood scoping out the security line for a willing accomplice--someone to document my imminent task. the victim was a kind twenty-something chick flying to the midwest to visit friends. her curly purple hair was a dead giveaway that she would be up for the task.

after loading my bags on the belt, i continued through the metal detector. promptly, the tsa security guard told me to take off my hat and jacket. unfortunately for him, there was nothing else covering my florida-tanned chest other than that same jacket. and just to be sure, i thought, why don't i make it easier on everybody and take my pants off, too. that way, they won't have a question as to whether i am hiding anything or not. well, my last week of underwear hadn't made it to the laundry yet, so I was wearing a newly acquired speedo in place of my tighty whiteys. i took a breath and prepared to head through the detector, hoping the guard wouldn't mistake my full-bodied speedo for a hidden whatever-they-are-looking-for. they didn't. but then came the screaming from a blond heading full blast toward the security check point.

"sir! sir!! put your clothes back on immediately! what are you--"
"but the gentleman told me to take off my jacket--"
"yeah, but did he tell you to take off your pants??"
"i thought it would be easier--"
"did he tell you to take them off?"
"well, i had so many things in my pockets--"
"did he tell you to take them off?"
"no."
"put your pants on now."
"i guess--"
"screen this guy. i'm keeping an eye on him!"

i began un-stripping while listening to the bustle of murmuring tsa agents behind me.

"when you're through with the search, i want to speak with this guy." i heard from--obviously an important official--a guy with a sweet cop hat and some sort of badge or credentials or something.

i nodded knowingly through the usual "boy, you are stupid" and "what were you thinking?" and "do you think this is a joke?" but all i could think of was the poor little girl with curly purple hair. katrina? jessica? carol? suzanne? fred-- suzanne, that was it. poor suzanne, an innocent pawn in a much larger and more evil scheme of which she had no knowledge. i was sad for her until i looked at the video on my camera and noticed she captured only .5 seconds of me pulling my pants back on. why suzanne, you little--"oh, goodbye suzanne. have a nice flight to chicago! thanks for helpin'!" ergghh.



so after multiple baggage checks and lectures from a lot of very importatnt people, i was told that i would get a fine of up to $10,000, or maybe even a warning! This issue would be sent to "those guys up in washington" and they would decide what to do.

spare me. those guys up in washington happen to be back in connecticut romping with their mistresses as we speak. either that or they are out with their donut and coffee on a smoke break. but who am i to judge?

so now i know what will happen when you just try to make it easy for those good ol' tsa boys: a man behind you will say "never seen that before" and the angry blond tsa woman will yell, clench her teeth, and let it ruin her day. poor gal.